I didn’t love my baby at first sight. I mean I guess I loved him, like you love a cute little fluffy kitty cat you saw at the pet store, but not deep, all consuming love. In fact, I didn’t really even like him. He was this little weird creature that just emerged from my body and he just kept taking every part of me without so much as a smile. He would suck on my nipples until they were cracked and bleeding, wake me up every two hours ALL NIGHT LONG, and poop and pee in between those other two things. And that’s about it. He was cute...I guess (I mean not even cute really. Maybe cute cause of his itty bitty toes, but like most newborns, kinda weird lookin’...am I right?). And he was mine, which was pretty incredible and cool. But overall, I thought he was just okay. I didn’t know him yet. Who he was and who he’d become. I didn’t know yet that when he smiled his two little dimples would brighten my day. Or how he would make me laugh until my belly hurt. Or how his old soul would shine through those crystal blue eyes.
To be honest, some people enjoy the newborn phase. The “ease” of toting them around wherever you go, that they do lots of daytime sleeping, and that you don’t have to entertain them. I think newborns suck. I dread the newborn phase. When we decided to have a second child, my husband and I cringed thinking of the first four months or so. We’d watch TV shows with newborns in it and literally feel a ball of anxiety creep into the center of our chests. Ugh. Do we really have to do that part all over again? Pretend that we think this phase is “so fun!” and not sleep for the next 2+ years of our lives (lets be honest - it is more like 6 years). But over time (and some therapy) we realized we were ready to dive back in. To take on the newborn phase. And maybe this time would be different experience all together. Or maybe not, but we were ready to see.
You know what? The second time WAS different. Did I love my daughter at first sight? Not really. But it was different. Maybe it was having perspective the second time around. Or maybe it was the therapy. Or maybe I was different this time. Or she was different (she was a much better sleeper which probably helped). I don’t know. All I know is that it felt different. My bond and connection to each of them was different from the start. Not more or less. Just different. And that makes sense because they are each individuals and my relationship with them is unique to who they are and who we are together.
But either way, the point is, that it’s all okay. You may love your baby when you first lay eyes on them. You may love the newborn snuggles, the oh-so-soft slightly fluffy baby skin, or you may be looking forward to when their personalities emerge and you can hear their voice for the first time or run around at the park together. You may find that bond and connection at two months, when they first smile at you and you see part of their soul. Or maybe it’s at two years when they put their arms around you and show you love and empathy after a hard day.
You can love the newborn phase or you can think it sucks. Whatever you feel, it’s normal, it’s valid, and it’s authentic. Feel it. Own it. Embrace it.
