I don’t like playing with my kids. That may sound harsh, or maybe even like I’m not a good mother. But I am a good mother. I just don’t have fun playing Legos or blocks or dress up with my kids. It’s boring. And not very fun. Do I do it? Yes, sometimes. Do I try to avoid it? Often times, yes. My husband can sit on the floor for hours with our kids and makes amazing forts, costumes out of cardboard boxes, and LEGO castles. He genuinely enjoys it. I would much rather fold the laundry or clean the bathroom over building a fort in our living room out of pillows and blankets and pretend we are in a cave. It’s just not that fun for me.
Before I became a mom I had nannied for many years of my life. My job was to play with kids. I got paid to play with other people’s children. And I genuinely enjoyed it back then! I had fun and enjoyed the silly games and the pretend play. I was also an actor for many years before having children, when again I got paid to make believe and spend months in advance practicing how to pretend realistically. I don’t know if I wasted all my imaginative play on other people’s children, or gave so much of that part of myself to my theater days, or if I am just a different person now. My guess is it’s a combination of all three. Now that I am an adult, a mother, a full time employee, a homeowner, a spouse, a friend, a daughter, the endless roles I play and the endless responsibilities I have seem to weigh heavily on my shoulders and all I can think about while I am playing baby dolls with my daughter is how many other things I could/should be doing in that moment. And I know I need to be present with my kiddos. I try. But it’s hard. Especially when the idea of folding laundry sounds more appealing to you than playing boo mama (hide & seek) for the umpteenth time.
If I’m honest with myself, I am most present in the moments with my kiddos when I’m kissing their little faces, or reading them bedtime stories as they snuggle their tiny body into mine, or when I hold their little hand in mine as we experience something new together. I am a person who thrives off human connection, human touch, human experience. I love baking with my kids, taking them to the zoo, and sledding in the new fluffy snow. I am not the parent that plays blocks or sits on the floor for hours playing matchbox cars or Magnatiles. And I am okay with that. My role in my family unit is the boo boo kisser, the tickle monster, the hand holder, and the safety snuggler. I provide my children comfort and love. So, if I don’t get on the floor and enjoy playing choo choo trains with them...so be it.
My children know they are loved, they know they are safe, they know that I will always be there for them. And that is enough. I am enough. And just because I don’t really enjoy playing with my kids doesn’t make me a bad mother. It just makes me a self aware one.
